China Chow

Step aside Dorian Gray. China, age 38, via Terry R.

Have You Forgotten

Last night I woke up at 5:30am with Red House Painters' Have You Forgotten playing in my head. How fortunate was I to have my laptop away at an arm's distance. I had fallen asleep to Great Lake Swimmers' Ongiara album on repeat earlier and it was still playing. I never used to need music to fall asleep. Lately I find myself lying down with thoughts tumbling inside my brain. It's hard to relax when the worries in life seem endless.

Every time I decide to cut someone out of my life, I spend a lot of time thinking about them as much as I can. Somehow I believe that if I do it all now, I won't have to do it later on. And hopefully these memories will disintegrate and turn into nothing. Then the person will be completely gone and I can't be hurt again.

I decided to try reading Everything is Illuminated again. The first two times were difficult. There were too many characters to remember and it was hard to picture three different timelines in my head. But I'm doing much better now. I'm taking my time understanding. It's ironic for me to pick it up at this time because that book is all about memories. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. I laugh a lot and mentally mark down my favorite lines. Then I get sad again when I think of the grandfather. It reminds me of my own grandfather and how he was the first person I knew who died. I think so much about death, which is funny because I don't really think anything about it, therefore I think about a whole lot of nothing.

I need to climb myself out of the hole I'm digging.